Mexi-Pimp

My Shitty Week

Well I told you that I'd post this and I finally am... even if it is 3 months past due! My final trip down in Central America was a Mayan Explorer. Everything that could possibly go wrong on a trip did on this one. 5 years worth of shit condensed into one trip. Here is the chronicle of my disasters, one after another after another:

1. Day 2: Border of Tabasco, Mexico - Driving from Merida to Palenque my van starts blowing hot air from the vents instead of air conditioning. It loses power and the steering and brakes get spongy. Thankfully I am at the end of a 100 mile stretch of nothingness and I am able to coast into the parking lot of a refracionaria (car parts store). I ask the guy at the counter for help but he is unfriendly and says that he doesn't know how. I ask if there is a mechanic nearby and he says that the closest is 20 miles away. I tell the group to hold tight while I locate some help. Asking at the workshop/shacks on the side of a road I find a guy who says he has a friend that can help. He swoops off on a bmx and in 3 minutes a guy rolls up in the loudest junk heap of a car I have ever layed eyes on. I roll in and we go back to check out the ride. The tube that holds all the water in the engine has a hole in it. So once a again me and my mexi-mecanic buddy roll out in search for the scraps needed to ghetto-rig a fix. After some searching, pipe cutting and finaggling we got all the pieces and my mechanic buddy and friends rigged me a solid fix.

Mexi Mechanics and my Group

2. Day 8: Panajachel, Guatemala - Lebanese Loop - ATM card stolen in elaborate con scam. See previous posting for details.

3. Day 10: Copan, Honduras - After 5 years of travelling in Mexico and Central America I considered my stomach a steal trap and thought myself impervious to food born illness. How naive! Leaving Antigua in the morning I started illin' immeadiately. It felt like a battle between good and evil was going on in my stomach, I had a fever and a headache and I was sweating like a pig. On the plate for the day - 10 hours of driving through the mountains into the steaming jungle environs of Honduras... not very suitable sick-as-shit conditions. It was a rough ride... the sickest that I've been whilst on a trip. I got to the hotel and crashed out for 2 days. Thankfully there was a TV in the room... I could watch that while I laid in pain. But unfortunately it was the same day as the Virginia massacre and the news about that was my only viewing option. Pregunta: Could it get any worse?

4. Day 13: Rio Dulce, Guatemala - Respuesta: Si! A whole hell of a lot worse. Speaking of hell, and to set the stage for this little quip, it was a bubblingly hot day near the river... hot like the 7th level of the Inferno. I had a boat come pick my group up from our campground to give them a tour of Rio Dulce and buzz them out to Livingston to give them a taste of Guatemalan coastal life. I set off on the dirt road back into town to pick them up - one hour of washboard gravel through banana plantations and rolling green hills. About 20 minutes into the drive my back left wheel exploded.... on a strip of dusty gravel, in the direct sunlight at high noon, solo. It took me a while to get the shredded tire off and replaced. The whole time car after car passed me, spitting up plumes of dust that stuck to my sweaty skin. By the time I got the tire changed I was burnt like a french fry and covered in an oily, black film.

La Llanta exploto.

Hot sun + Dust + Solo + Blown Tire = No Likey

5. Day 16: La Frontera de Guatemala y Belice - So we're heading to Belize and as we get to the border I stop at the last gas station so that my crew can spend the last of their quetzales. Of course we get bombarded by the usual money changing hustlers that want to rip my people off with off-base exchange rates... so I blow them all off and tell them to get lost. After my group buys the shop out of banana chips and popcycles we jump in the van to take off. As I'm backing out one of the money changers points to the ground where my van had been parked and signals me to stop. I look down... my transmission fluid was in a puddle on the ground. Shit! The guy says that he can help me out, surprising after I just told him to scadaddle earlier. I jump on the back of his moped and we drive about 1 1/2 miles down the road dodging pot holes the whole way. We pull up to what looks like a cross between a squatter's shack and Yoda's cavern home on planet Dagobah - the local mechanic's home of course. An old man in oil covered dungarees comes out and says he'll take a look at my ride. We drive down and he jumps under the hood. Looks like the work that my mechanic friends did earlier wasn't agreeing with the rest of the van - a clip that they used to attach the water tube to the van had rubbed against the tube that holds my transmission fluid and had now popped a hole in that as well. (Disclaimer - The technical/mechanical terms that are being used here may not be correct, seeing as though I don't know jack about cars) Dirty Dungaree man whips a chain around my front bumper and drags my van (along with myself and recently appointed group mechanic Neil) to the Yoda Lair. He drops it outside and then tells us to wait because he nteeds to get his tools. I was assuming that he would show up with a gi-normous tackle box full of wrenches and bolt cutters and the like. When he came out all he had was a butcher knife and some cardboard. "Is he going to slay us and then celebrate by breakdancing?", I started to worry. "Maybe that's how they do in Guatemala!". But apparently I had no reason to fear... that is how they do in Guatemala... how they do engine work that is. He had the whole thing fixed and ready to ride in 10 minutes! Pure Genius! This had to be the last bad thing that could happen to us... surely!

Neil assessing the situation.

Neil wielding the Guatemalan Mechanic's Multipurpose Tool.


The Dungaree Man and I in front of Yoda's pad.

6. Day 16: Middle of the Caribbean Seas, Belize - Just when I thought that this had to be the end of our bad luck, we get nailed again. This time on the high seas. We get to Belize City with just enough time to squeeze onto the last oversold water taxi out to Caye Caulker. Packed like sardines amongst people, luggage and island supplies we take off to the island. After all the bad luck I was still able to clear my mind, relax and let my worries blow away in the salty breeze. All I could think about was getting to the I&I and having a Panty Rippa while I chilled in a roof top hammock. Then... sputtering. The engine died! No way. We were adrift for 1 1/2 hours in a hot, stanky breezeless boat hold with 10 too many people and 3 too many crying babies. Are they sending another boat? What's wrong? How long will we be here? Abiding by true Belizian customer service standards the boat hands weren't saying shit and just smoking and belittling people in Creole. Nice. Finally another boat showed and we all boarded Captain Hook style and resumed our path to the island. We got there well after dark and were barely able to squeeze in a dinner.

In the Bilge Hold of the water taxi. I now know what it's like to float from Cuba on a converted Caddy.

7. Day 18: Near Bacalar, Mexico - We leave Caye Caulker and Belize with relative ease. Crossing back into Mexico I couldn't help but feel like I was back home. It was a nice feeling. Only 4 hours of highway cruising and I'd be back in Xpu-ha... my Mexican abode. Just 45 minutes from the border we approached a construction zone. Cones on the road pushed me into the oncoming lane that was now divided into 2 skinny lanes. I slowed down to 40k/hour (the posted speed) and rolled through. Oncoming - a speeding bullet of a Lincoln pickup going like 110/k. He whizzes by me and our driver's side mirrors collide, exploding on implact. FUCK! I get through the cones and pull over. He turns around, speeds back and pulls in front of me. The car door opens and out emerges a 5 foot 6 Mexi-Midget Pimp. Slicked back hair, orange wife beater tank top, 2 cell phones clipped to his belt and 5 fat gold chains with a huge Jesus piece hanging around his neck. Immeadiate hostility! (Translated) "What the Fuck! You gotta pay me! You broke my mirror! You were way over in my lane! Blah, Blah, Blah!!". I argued saying that he was going almost 70 miles/ hour in a 25/hour zone. If he had been going slower than nothing would have happened. If I pay for his mirror, who's paying for mine. It was a little intense for a while. Using his shifty pimp logic he pulled out a tape measure and started measuring the road trying to formulate equations as to why I was at fault. Idiot. Basically I told him to call his insurance and I'd call mine. So we sat there waiting for the adjusters to show. In the meantime my group is sitting in a hot van and I'm dealing with Mexi-Pimp. "Te gusta Chile", he asked me. This is an old one that Mexi-Machos try to use on Spanish beginners for a laugh. It means "Do you like chile peppers?" but the double "funny" meaning means "Do you like dick?"... Ha, Ha. Anyways, I didn't give him the answer he wanted to get his immature laugh. I really thought that this guy and me might be roadside brawling in the not to distant future. Finally the adjusters showed... and they couldn't come to a conclusion either. So we had to wait another 1 1/2 hours for the cops. When they finally showed they called it a wash and sent us both on our ways... 4 hours and lots of Pimp trash talking later.

The Mexi-Pimp and his ride.

8. Day 20: Playa del Carmen, Mexico - It has to be over right? Wrong. The last day of my trip I decide to make a run up to Playa to get some extra grillin' goods. I wrangle up Lalo and Gaby, the resident Mayan kids at the beach, and take them for a "fun" shopping trip. We go to the store, I get my goods and buy them treats and then we roll out to the parking lot. As I get to my van I notice that the lock on the driver's side is hanging out... ROBBED! I open the door and sure enough while I was in the shop someone had broken in (in pure daylight and a high traffic area mind you) and stolen my Ipod and my cellphone. That was the disaster capper... nothing could make things any worse.

So those are the 8 bad things that happened to me... all in one trip. That night when I returned to camp I took the necessary steps to making sure my bad luck wouldn't continue. Those details are discussed in my next post...

I'm 30... Yikes!!

That's right. Yesterday marks the day that your friend Dave finally reached the ripe old age of Three to the Zero.

I convinced myself that it's really not that big of a deal. 30 is just another number. I'm still young at heart. Most people guess me to be in my "mid-twenties". And you know what everyone has been saying... "Thirty is the new Twenty"! I completely convinced myself that being thirty was cool... that is until I had to tell someone how old I was yesterday.

The first time that I had to say "I'm thirty" it hit me like peripheral dodgeball slammer to the dome! Just turning thirty isn't that big of a deal. You have a huge jammer of a party, you pickle your aging liver in high end liquors and you celebrate the end of you're twenties. But when you wake up the next day, wipe the wine stains from your lips and go to buy a pack of cigarettes things really hit home. The goiter sportin' BP clerk asks "I'm gonna needa see some ID" and you respond with "But I'm 30 years old". All of a sudden that answer echoes in your head like a yodel bouncing off the Matterhorn.... I'm 30, I'm 30, I'm 30....... Wierd way to come to terms with your new number.

So I'm starting to settle into the whole thirty thing. I don't feel any older. I don't look any older (at least I don't think I do - thought the minute I turned thirty all my hair would fall out!) I definately don't act any older. I guess it just sounds like I'm old and that's weird... but I think I can deal with that.

So I'm signing out. I'm gonna go over to my friend Ryan Murphy's (Murple) house, grill out, have some beers and then roll to a bar... basically relive my twenties all over again. Should be fun.

Your 30 (and 1 day) year old friend, Dave

The Ruta... Mmmmm Goodness!

Met my crew in the morning in the lobby of Margarita's Hotel in Cancun. A wild bunch... 6 guys, 2 girls... 7 Brits and 1 Wild Swede. I was a little intimidated... but it was all in vain. From the first day the group showed and proved... a fun bunch of nerds. Here's a quick look into the madness of the Ruta...

The crew on their guided tour of Chichen Itza.

Sitting and waiting for the serpent to appear. Twice a year, during the spring and fall solstice, the sun hits the pyramid (El Castillo) in a way that creates the illusion of a giant snake slithering down the stairs... or so we heard. We arrived at the ruins on the 19th, the day before the solstice, to see the magic happen. It was jam packed with people. We were told to come back at around 3:30 to see the event. We arrived and watched and watched and watched... we sat through an hour of introduction and explanation translated into 7 languages (Spanish, Mayan, English, German, French, Italian and Something Else) and still the shadow didn't slither. It was a bit uneventful. Rather than "sliding" What actually happens is that the sun hits the 9 tiers of the pyramid casting a zigzag shadow on the stairway that (after a couple of hours) alines with the stone head of a serpent at the bottom of the stairs. Although it is really amazing to see how in tune the Mayan people were with astronomy and how they connected astronomical events to their basic archetecture it is really nothing spectacular to watch. I think my group would agree with me.

The Secret Cenote. This is a photo from the stairway that descends into the cenote. I'm not quite sure who first found out about this place but there has been a map in my notes that shows how to get there ever since my first year coming down here. Drive south out of Merida. Take a left towards Abala. Drive through the village of Abala and continue a couple of miles until the high voltage electrical lines cross the road. Take the next left on the gravel path. Pull the mirrors in on your car and drive slow. Take your first left and follow the road until it ends at a couple of big rocks and there you are... the Secret Cenote. It's always a highlight for people. You have to crawl through a small cave opening and down a 30 foot ladder into the crystal clear water. There are some giant stalagtites, roots from the trees penetrating the 15 foot ceiling of solid limestone and a couple of good diving spots. Bring a snorkelling mask and you can see how the floor of the cenote drops off on one side, sliding down into a deep cave where it joins with an underwater river system!

Some underwater glamour shots. Taken with the same camera that the underwater videos were taken with.

Iguana @ Uxmal

Another Iguana

A beautiful sunset at Laguna Bacalar

The peeps at Finca Ixobel. Had a couple of good nights at the Finca. It's always a fun place to spend a couple of days... I can relax while my passengers are off doing activities. Good people, great food and always completely entertained. Especially had fun this time around. Mario (far left) was about to leave after 19 months at the finca so I sold him my external hard drive and gave him 80 gigs of tunes. Spent the day with him, Pichi and Maria (center) drinking beers, listening to music and grillin' out. Then at night met up with the crew for a little drinking session. Joakim and Steve each drank a bottle of Rum and then had a kick boxing session.

Dusk at Finca Paraiso on Lago Izabel

Rasta Dave, our guide in San Ignacio, showing us his scorpion handling skills.

Messing with my camera

Another long exposure

Boxing with myself

We took an all day "Jungle Canoe Trip" with David. Paddled down the river looking for wildlife and watching David smoke phatty afer phatty. Made a stop midway to eat lunch and jump off of some rocks. This is a photo of David giving me tips about how to read the wind before I jump.

Takin' the Plunge. Continued from this spot all the way down river and back into town. Saw some iguanas, toucans and even a couple of kinkajous. After the tour went into Cayo and got some killer BBQ pork... there was still hair on the pig skin! David asked me for a ride home so I dropped off my group and headed off to give him a lift. He had other ideas though. We rolled back to his office to pick up his sidekick who was sleeping on a bench out front and projectile vomited in a ditch before he jumped into my ride... nice! Then we rolled off to take care of some of David's reservations for the next day. Afterwards he said "Let's stop in and see my Chinese girl!". We stopped at a Chinese grocery and he bought me a couple of beers while he chatted up a couple of chubby Guatemalan "Ladies of the Night". I was getting a little impatient so I pushed him to roll. His little buddy was sleeping in the car and David was tanked. I knew how to get to his place so I just drove... it's in the middle of nowhere. David passed out and woke up about 20 minutes into the drive mumbling about how I was going the wrong way and then passed out. When I finally got to his place I woke him up... he said "How did you get here? Why are you driving my car?" I tried not to laugh but couldn't help it... I sent him on his way back through the orange grove, across the river and back to his settlement that sit in the middle of some ancient Mayan ruins.

During our canoe trip we made a stop to grab a couple of beers. We bellied up to the counter at a little cornershop and grabbed a couple of Belikins. I slumped down on the stoop in the shade trying to avoid the midday sun. There were a couple of young girls around the back of the shop doing some laundry by hand. They saw me watching them and giggled. The youngest ran back into the house. When I looked back again she was giving a bath to what looked like her cat. The cat definately didn't like getting wet and was making a screeching howl that definately sounded like the cry of a wild animal. It caught my attention so I went to take a closer look... sure enough it was a wild cat, a baby jaguar. I asked where they had gotten it and they said that their dogs had found a litter of kittens. They left them alone and when they returned the next day the one kitten was still there so they took it. It was really cool to hold a baby jaguar kitten but at the same time the situation was a bit sad. The people in a most of the Central American countries that I visit really lack education when it comes to environmental issues and animal conservation. You can still encounter people trying to sell animal pelts, rare live birds and animals, chucking their trash out their car windows, burning garbage... It's sad. The family that had the jaguar had him in a small carboard box and were trying to feed it milk and water out of a bottle. They were more concerned with having it taken away than having it survive. Sad. Until there is more focus on education about these issues these countries will continue to obliviously suffer the consequences.

Me and the Jaguar Baby

You can tell how much my passengers loved me by the friendly comments that they wrote about me on my van.

We arrived in Xpu-ha and it was the beginning of Semana Santa. The beach was packed with vacationing Mexican families. My friends Cory and Martina invited my whole group and myself to their April Fools Party. They had a huge spread on the beach... enough to feed myriads. They put me in charge of grillin's and I cooked enough arracherra and marinated pollo to feed a small pueblo. They even hired Paco from the famous Tacos Paco to cook up a batch of his shrimp and fish tacos. Had a great night of drinking that ended with drinking bottle after bottle of wine with my new friends on the rack of my van... goodness. Thanks Cory and Martina!

A photo of Anna "Queen of the Beach" doing some hair raising dance moves at the party

Me and my handlebars

Dude... "Sweet Child of Mine" is such a killer tune it can wake the dead (or passed out) and make them jam like a metalhead robot!

The fireshow at the Blue Parrot in Playa. Had a good night jamming with the crew on the beach front dance floor (except for the part when the Mexican girls came up and asked if we were gay because we were 5 guys dancing like robots in a circle).

Alls I got to say is... Thanks guys! I had a blast. It's not that often that you get a trip that seems like a road trip. From Scottish Dave's Borat Impression, to Joakim's "It's raping time" comment, to Steve's bottle-a-rum hoola hoopin' moves... it was a good one. Thanks for making it memorable!

Another Underwater Video

Bear Vs. Pimp World Premiere

That's right ladies and gents... As of Friday, April 13th Bear vs. Pimp has been making tidal waves across the film circuit worldwide. It didn't break any opening weekend records, but it's getting close. But don't take my word for it, check it out for yourself and see what all the hype is about at www.bearvspimp.com.

Fuck! I Got Lebanese Looped!

That's right... the old fashioned Lebanese Loop scam. It all went down yesterday... I have heard people talk about getting got by this ATM scam, so I should have been aware of this... but I guess the surprise factor is what always gets people.

My group and I were in Panajachel, Guatemala... up early and ready to head to Chichicastenango, a nearby market. We cruised into town, some people to grab a bite to eat and others to use the ATM. I had a pocketfull of Quetzales but I figured that I might as well pull out some cash just in case. Three passengers and myself went to the centrally located ATM (one of four in town) and one of my passengers tried to use it but it wasn't functioning. There was a guy sitting on the stoop in front and he said that we had to roll up the street to the other ATM. We went to the one closest up the street and there was a guy out front of that one as well saying that it wasn't working and we'd have to continue up the street to use the one farthest away from the city center.

We walked up the street and to the bank vestibule that holds the ATM. Right as we were walking in a guy walked away from the machine and jumped on his cell phone as he exited the booth. I slid in, pulled my card out and got ready to use the machine. I don't know what it was but I got really bad vibes about the whole situation right before I inserted my card. The primary thing that concerned me was that it was a machine that you have to actually insert your card as opposed to sliding it but retaining it in your hand for the whole process. I had just given my whole group a speech about using the sliding move as opposed to the insertion method (wow, this is starting to sound interesting) and about how I NEVER use the insertion machines... and here I was using it.

Everything worked fine... I put in the card, entered all my info, got my money and then it asked me if I wanted a receipt and.... the machine froze. It tried to spit out my card but on the slot it looked as if something was obstructing it from ejecting. I saw it trying to come out and then it sucked right back into the machine. "Fuck!" I yelled and kicked the wall. Right as I yelled the guy who had been using the ATM before me came in on the phone and said in Spanish "Did it just eat your card? It did that to mine too. I'm on the phone with the bank right now." He was talking to someone on his phone and and telling him how it just ate my card too. I told him that I was a guide and that I needed to get my card out today since we were always on the move. He said that the guy on the phone wanted to talk to me since I was the last person to use the machine. I grabbed the phone and told the guy that I need my card today and that it was an emergency. He told me that I had to type in a code (1234) and then my pin #. I handed the phone back to the other guy and told him that the guy on the phone wanted to talk to him. Whilst he was talking I covered up my hand and tried to do what he had said.... the whole time the guy was looking at my hands. I should have known at this point that shit was sketchy... but I was so pissed about my card getting eaten up that I wasn't paying attention. The guy said that I didn't do it right, that I needed to type the code and then my pin and repeat it 3 times in a row. I covered my hand again and tried it again but nothing. I have a way of punching my pin so that people can't read what I'm typing even if they are watching and this guy wasn't getting anything. All of a sudden he said that the guy on the phone said that I would have to wait until tomorrow (Monday) to get my card and then he took off.

Once he left then I inspected the card slot a little better and my passengers and I started putting 2 and 2 together. Right as our suspicions started to brew a couple of cops walked up from off of the street and checked the machine. They pulled out a bit of tape connected to a bit of really sticky hard plastic and said that the device is used to catch the card so that the perp (sweet word... I watch a lot of Law and Order) can pull it out later and use it with the pin # he watched you type up.

I was pissed off!! I started to think about the whole situation and things started coming together. Everyone was involved. I think that they plant a guy out side of all the other ATMs (which are the sliding ones) telling the tourists that they are broken or actually breaking them so they then have to go up to the only one in town that you insert your card into. They did it on a Sunday which is the only day that the bank is closed and is also a huge shopping day for tourists since the majority of people that come to Pana on the weekend do it to be close to the Chichicastenango market on Sunday. I'm sure that tons of unsuspecting gringos make their way to the cash points to get money to buy souveniers. Then when I got to the machine I should have been more aware of my surroundings... Why didn't they guy warn me not to use the machine if he had just had his card get eaten? Why was there a piece of styrofoam covering up the video camera? Why was the guy changing the code that I had to enter? There were just too many inconsistencies and I should have been more aware.

Anyways... at the end of the day I got got. I doesn't really affect me too much. I was able to call home and have the card cancelled pretty much immeadiately and it doesn't look like anyone had access to my card. I got lucky and the machine actually did eat it. Now I just have the inconvenience of trying to figure out how to get my $ from my Wells Fargo account and into my other account of which I still have a card. Ugh!

If anything I hope that this helps others to be a little bit more cautious and aware. It sucks that situations like this cause you to be more skeptical about people than you already are... but that's the way it is. So be careful and if there is anyone being a little too friendly when the ATM you're using craps out on you... watch out for the Lebanese Loop!